How Sleep Deprivation is Affecting Your Relationship

Sleep deprivation can really take a toll on one’s ability to adequately connect with their partner. It’s the elephant in the room that no one wants to admit to…but HOW could you feel motivated to work on your relationship when you are SO. DANG. TIRED.

The Sleep Foundation wrote an article that listed several studies that outlined the cause/effect from poor sleep and intimacy within a relationship. They say that: “poor sleep can also hinder sex because of its effect on mental health. Insufficient and fragmented sleep can exacerbate conditions like depression and anxiety. These disorders are often related to sexual dysfunction in women and men because of their influence on sexual desire and arousal.”

Poor sleep is linked to SO many health disorders. People who are chronically overtired are more susceptible to high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attack, heart failure, stroke, obesity, depression, reduced immune system, and lower sex drive.

In a study conducted on Korean parents, they observed the following: “Parents of infants with poor sleep frequently suffered with sleep disruption, resulting in increasing fatigue, emotional instability, and depression. It was reported that sleep problems included the infants sleeping in the parent's bed, and being nursed to sleep were associated with high depression scores in their mothers and tended to increase as depression scores increased.” This same study showed that parents who underwent sleep training with their child ended up being happier and that the mother’s depressive state was: “The authors suggested that depressive symptoms were a result, rather than a cause, of sleep problems.”

This is HUGE.

When interviewing Jillian Martin, a Perinatal Psychologist, a few months ago, she said that almost all of the clients she sees have some form of sleep problem. Within those sleep problems, are relationship problems.

It’s unfair for the primary parent to be responsible for every night waking, every nighttime diaper change, and everything in between. This can put a lot of strain on a relationship.

While working with parents, I’ve had lots of parents report to me saying that it’s been months (and sometimes even years!) since they’ve slept in the same bed as their partner. And while this isn’t a marriage-ender or a complete deal-breaker, it is sad. They have also found that the lack of sleep takes a toll on their patience, their ability to feel ‘normal’ and their overall motherhood experience.

Yikes.

The thing is - it doesn’t have to be like this.

You DON’T have to settle for poor sleep. In fact, you are completely in control of your life. There are resources out there to help you with your journey into parenthood. Whether they be books, courses, therapy appointments, in-person playdates, or just a friend to talk to, there are people who want to help you!

I want to encourage you to set some goals and some priorities. What are your priorities right NOW?

If sleep isn’t great, but it’s not bothering you - don’t change it.

If sleep isn’t great, and it IS bothering you - do something to change it.

After working directly with moms, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a mother say “Wow Bailey - I can’t believe I’m admitting this now, but I feel like I can actually ENJOY being a mother now that I sleep well and have regular breaks from my baby.”

Here are a few things you can do to make sure you are prioritizing your relationship AND sleep:

• If your child wakes multiple times every night, discuss a plan of action with your partner. Encourage participation from both parents and if wanting to sleep train, find a method that aligns well with your parenting philosophy.

• Rather than watch endless amounts of TV before bed, spend time socializing and dating your partner. You don’t even have to leave the house to do this!

• Make your sleep space inviting. Turn off screens 1 hour before bed and try to only use your actual bed for intimacy and sleep.

Balancing your relationship and parenthood can be really hard. Make sure you’re both on the same page your priorities and remember that you are a team!

If you need help getting your child’s sleep on track - please don’t hesitate to reach out! I’d be happy to help with that aspect of your sleep journey.