Perinatal Mental Health & Sleep! Interview with a Registered Psychologist

I am SO excited to share this week’s blog post with you. I had the privilege of interviewing Jillian Martin who is a Registered Psychologist local to Fort McMurray. She, along with a few other therapists, make up the YMM collaborative practice. You can read more about their offerings here!

Over the past 3 years, I’ve worked with countless families who are experiencing lots of the same issues…sleep issues of course, but also relationship distress, health concerns, and their mental-health is deteriorating - because of their lack of sleep!! I contacted Jillian, wondering if she also noticed some similar trends within her practice, and the answer was blatantly, YES.

So, let’s get to the meat of what Jillian Martin has to say about Maternal Mental Health and Sleep!

1.     How do you see the expectations around motherhood or being a perfect mother interfere with women getting help for children’s sleep problems?

First of all, social media can be an ass. It’s getting better, but it’s still an ass. Motherhood is hard! It’s lonely and isolating on its own. And, social media doesn’t help because we mostly see the shiny exteriors of others, when we feel we come up short or our experience is different than others, we tend to compare and judge ourselves in a harsh and negative way. When it comes to motherhood, we may hold this ideal self and expectation in mind of how we expect motherhood to be/feel and how we expect to see ourselves in this transition(s). When we don’t meet those expectations or we struggle, we tend to judge ourselves and hold or create beliefs about ourselves that are very limiting. We believe that others aren’t struggling with the same problems, concerns, or similar realities as us and therefore we must be doing something wrong or not good enough. We don’t acknowledge or reach out for the support we need because of these and we try and uphold this perfect image of motherhood that just isn’t manageable, or real!  

This shows up in many areas of motherhood and parenting. And sleep is one of them! Sleep is essential, and sleep deprivation is a reality of many new moms and parents but we don’t often realize how much it impacts us until we are in the thick of it. If we are feeling alone, or like we are doing something wrong, it can be really hard to reach out and get help. The self-judgments or fear of others judgments get in the way perpetuating the isolation and difficulty asking for help.

2.     In your clients that are experiencing sleep deprivation from parenthood – what patterns or themes are you noticing in the couple-dynamic?

This is a great question! Themes that often show up around sleep are:

·      Unequal responsibility: Feeling like it’s unfair or unequal responsibility when one of you is waking up more frequently and expected to function during the day

·      This feeds into feelings of resentment which are often times not adequately addressed or communicated and continue to build

·      Difficulty with, or lack of, communication around needs and expectations of self and partner

·      Defensiveness: that feeling you get when you believe someone is being critical of you

I think one of the best things we need to come back to in parenting is that it’s not a competition. You are teammates and you and your partner are in this together! I remember postpartum with my first, any time my husband would say he was tired I would instantaneously become defensive and believe it was some sort of competition of who had a worse sleep which couldn’t possibly have been him when I was waking every 2 hours to feed the baby for a hour while he snored peacefully beside me (insert eye roll here). Instead of communicating my need to him, or sharing with him the story I was telling myself about his comment, I would hold the feeling inside, pushing him away and building on my own limiting belief at that time of I need to do this all on my own.

Changes in a relationship postpartum are going to happen and many of us experience less satisfaction in their relationship after having a baby. I remember somewhere in my training learning that satisfaction in marriage and building a family occurs in a U shape, meaning it gets worse (goes down) before it gets better (goes up), and that the first 5 years are the hardest.

When I get the opportunity to work with a person during pregnancy, I often assess current supports and relationship satisfaction. We look at the strengths in the relationship and focus on enhancing those and building on the other areas. We will do planning around postpartum and work on ways to support the many transitions of motherhood and parenthood. This includes developing a postpartum plan that involves their support person/system, expectations and communication. I try to bring in awareness of sleep with education and encouraging development of tools to encourage sleep/rest, self-care and community care, partnership (when available), support, and communication. Often times couples are aware that adding a baby will automatically change things but are not necessarily as aware of what ways it changes things!

3. When your clients come to you with guilt for how they’re showing up for their kids as a mother, what are some common themes?

We’ve heard about guilt in motherhood so often it has its own terminology: “mom-guilt”.

Guilt for taking time for ourselves

Guilt for not taking time for ourselves

Guilt for working

Guilt for not working

Guilt for being snappy

Guilt for having a bad day

Guilt for taking a break

Guilt for not taking a break

Guilt for letting baby cry it out

Guilt for not letting baby cry

Guilt for not breastfeeding

Guilt for breastfeeding

Guilt for screen time, food, holding baby, feeling bored, not enjoying motherhood, being annoyed by crying…the list goes on 

I think we all feel guilt at some point or another and it varies on where it comes from and how much we feel it. Sometimes it’s influenced by others expectations, social media, or our own expectations. I look at guilt in 2 ways:

1.     Helpful guilt: is the guilt that fits. It’s feeling we get when we have done something morally and objectively wrong. Healthy guilt encourages you to take action to make it better. Like, driving over your kids toy on the driveway and breaking it. This guilt helps you take responsibility and repair.

2.     Unhelpful guilt: is the guilt that doesn’t fit. It’s the feeling we get when we haven’t met our own unrealistically high standards. Like, feeling guilty about taking 30 minutes to nap and leaving the baby with your partner. The expectation may have been “I need to do it all” and feeling guilty for asking for help. This kind of guilt sticks around until we address the unhelpful core beliefs and is often worked through with gentle kindness and self-compassion.

I think a lot of this comes back to holding this idea of needing to be a perfect mother, and all the unhelpful guilt that comes when a mom feels like they don’t meet this unrealistic expectation. Guilt creeps in in many different ways. Taking some time to acknowledge the guilt and its source can be powerful. As can asking yourself “does the guilt fit?”. When you identify the unhelpful guilt, practice offering self-compassion “This is hard and I am doing the best I can”, “I can love my baby and not enjoy all of motherhood”.  Work on communicating with your partner or other support people can be very helpful! Look at your needs and practice sharing those.

4.     In what ways do you notice your client’s lives being impacted by their lack of energy and lack of sleep? And what correlations do you see between postpartum difficulties and sleep problems?

After giving birth, we are completely depleted. Nutrient priority is given to building a baby, birthing and breastfeeding for some. Extended exhaustion and sleep deprivation along with drastic changes to identity, role, support and connection and isolation. There is no doubt all of this has an impact on mood and mental health! There is also a growing body of research of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and the influence of sleep, sleep problems and sleep deprivation. We do know there is a significant correlation between sleep deprivation and increased risk for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Be aware of changes mood. It is important to pay attention to how we are feeling and notice any changes or increases in irritability, mood fluctuations, frequent tearfulness, difficulty with managing worry or fear, sleep that is disrupted outside of baby related concerns (like inability to fall or stay asleep, or sleeping too much), loss of appetite, loss of interests. It’s important that if you’re not feeling like yourself, let someone know! Baby blues are considered to be the first 2-ish weeks postpartum, it is a common and temporary experience and may include mood swings and tearfulness for no apparent reason. Generally, there are periods of happiness or relief for the person experience baby blues. Focusing on the basics of sleep, nourishment and support is vital during this time! If there is no relief, or these don’t resolve on their own or become worse, further support and treatment is very important.

5. If your close friend was about to have a baby, what mental health advice would you give them?

I would want them to know that they are not alone and they are supported! I would help them to focus on building their support system and finding comfort in exploring their needs and communicating them. I’d want them to know that motherhood can be both joyful and love-filled along with scary and difficult. I’d want them to know that however they are feeling is valid, and that their needs are important and that it is okay and important to ask for help!

You are NEVER alone in this journey into motherhood. If you’re feeling symptoms of PPA/PPD, please reach out to YMM Collaborative Practice. Getting help for yourself is so important.

Information about me and YMM Collaborative Practice:

Jillian Martin, Registered Psychologist, PMH-C (perinatal mental health certified) and part owner of YMM Collaborative practice

Shannon Young, MSW, RSW, PMH-C and part owner of YMM Collaborative Practice 

Jocelyn MSW, RSW, PMH-C and part owner of YMM Collaborative Practice 

To learn more about Jillian and her practice, click here.