Secure Attachment and Attachment Parenting; Explained
There is often some misconception between having any sort of attachment issues with our children if we sleep train them, and I’d like to debunk that. I have strong opinions about creating closeness with our children; that doesn’t involve sharing the same sleep space as them.
Firstly, I want you to know that if you are doing something & it’s working well for you - keep doing it. If you’ve tried something for a while & it’s no longer serving you, you can change!
Sleep training gets a bad rap, but I promise you, you aren’t harming the bond you have with your child. You are cultivating your bond with them throughout the day, and allowing them spurts of independence when it comes to sleep. You are forming secure attachment with your child which will last a lifetime.
Secure attachment is classified by children who show some distress when their caregiver leaves but are able to compose themselves quickly when the caregiver returns. Children with secure attachment feel protected by their caregivers, and they know that they can depend on them to return. By cultivating a secure relationship with your child, you are also teaching them independence, trust, and love.
Attachment Parenting was founded by a well-known Paediatrician named William Sears. Sears believed that in order to have a healthy attachment with our kids, we needed to be very responsive with them, and also have continuous closeness with them; physically and mentally. The thing is, Sears’ idea of attachment parenting is not super well-defined, and it definitely hasn’t been proven as a superior parenting style. It’s a very loving style of parenting, but one disadvantage to AP is moms can often feel isolated, sleep deprived, and worried about other people taking care of their children.
Many internet trolls challenge sleep training and other parenting styles saying that without practicing attachment parenting, you are ruining your attachment with your child, but this simply isn’t true.
In the article “Why Attachment Parenting Is Not The Same As Secure Attachment,” it says the following:
“Attachment [in the scientific sense] is a relationship in the service of a baby’s emotion regulation and exploration,” explains Alan Sroufe, a developmental psychologist at the Institute for Child Development at the University of Minnesota, where he and his colleagues have studied the attachment relationship for over 40 years. “It is the deep, abiding confidence a baby has in the availability and responsiveness of the caregiver.”
A secure attachment has at least three functions:
Provides a sense of safety and security
Regulates emotions by soothing distress, creating joy, and supporting calm
Offers a secure base from which to explore
With the 2 methods of sleep training I use (learn about all 4 sleep training methods available), we don’t help your baby to sleep at all, but we are very responsive and available for them when needed. This is securing your relationship with them and building trust. They will recognize that sleep is now their job and you are there to set up their sleep environment, follow-through with their routines, and check in with them when upset.
Many of the moms I’ve worked with say “Wow, I feel bad to admit this, but I actually enjoy being a mom now that we’re all sleeping well.”
So, if you’re on the fence about sleep training and the thought of damaging your attachment with your child was your main concern (which is SO valid!!!), then please reconsider. Your attachment with your child will not suffer because of this learned skill.
If you have questions about attachment and sleep training, please post them below!
