Supporting Your Toddler As They Fall Asleep, Without Laying With Them
Transitioning from the crib to a big bed can be such a fun, amazing change for a young toddler. Not only does it give them some independence, but they also now have some freedom to explore their room on their own! This newfound exploration can definitely bring some unwanted habits, like coming out of their room too many times, but sometimes, it works out wonderfully.
In the last 6 years of my Sleep Consulting business, I have had parents of toddlers come for support, time and time again, with the same problem: I have to lay with my toddler until they fall asleep.
This isn’t inherently a problem, and it can actually be a really great bonding time for you and your toddler. However, sometimes it gets to a point where the toddler really seems like they’re in complete control of the situation. They’re checking on you to see if you’re still laying there, they’re asking you 100 questions just trying to engage conversation, they’re stalling bedtime by making many different requests, and now - they’ve started waking up numerous times throughout the night to “come find you.”
While this may not be a big deal to some parents, for others, it’s a burden. They’ve worked and parented all day, survived the bedtime routine, and now they just want some peace and quiet to recharge themselves before going to bed…and then your toddler wakes up, wanting you to return to your place in their bed. Ugh.
What I’ve noticed with toddlers who love to have someone lay with them, is that they’re actually seeking connection with their parent or caregiver. These connecting-seeking activities are healthy and appropriate, but we can redirect them to another time of day when they aren’t delaying bedtime.
I have 2 great tips for families who need some help supporting their toddler falling asleep, without laying down with them:
Seek connection with your toddler throughout the day.
Like I briefly mentioned before, lots of the time, stalling tactics are actually connection-seeking activities for a child. Whether the interaction with the parent is positive or negative, it’s filling that “connection cup” for the child by seeking out their parent at bedtime. To help fill their cup in another way, I recommend spending at least two separate 15-minute periods of time during your day where your entire focus is your child. Play play-doh together, make some muffins together, or even just sit down and talk. By having all-eyes on your toddler (with absolutely no screens involved!) you are helping fill their emotional cup before bedtime.Sit beside their bed, not on it.
I recommend setting a boundary with your child that they are the only ones who lay in their bed. Even if you’ve gotten into the habit of laying down with them already, it’s not too late to change. Bolster their confidence by telling them you know they can lay down by themselves and then give them praise for a job well done. By sitting next to their bed, you’re showing them that they can put themselves to sleep on their own, and you’re also giving them some independence to do it by laying alone.
Toddlers love to be in charge, but having them be in charge of their bedtime situation is not ideal. You can support them as they fall asleep without laying with them to do it. By having them lay on their own, you’re teaching them that if/when they wakeup in the night, they can put themselves back to sleep on their own because they’re not relying on you to be there for it to happen.
If your toddler or young child is struggling with bedtime and night wake-ups, I’d absolutely love to help you. Or, if you’re just prepping yourself for the crib-to-bed transition, then I highly recommend taking my mini course to help the Crib-To-Bed Transition go as smooth as ever.
