Why is my Toddler Waking at Night?
If you’re a parent of a toddler, then you know just how fast they can wake up from sleep and jet into your room. In fact, every single parent of toddlers that I know has had their child come into bed with them before (me included!). Coming into your bed for some snuggles or to calm them after a bad dream isn’t a problem though. What is a problem is if it’s not working for you anymore.
I work with many parents who are frustrated that bedtime takes 2+ hours as their toddler or young child won’t stop coming out of their room. They frustrated that they don’t have alone time in the evenings because all of their time is spent laying with their child until they fall asleep…and then their falling asleep in their child’s small bed too! These parents have also realized how much they want their own space and their bed back to themselves. There is something about stretching out in your own bed and not being worried about disturbing anyone that just hits the spot.
But like I said above, all of those things aren’t bad - co-sleeping, laying with your child until they fall asleep, and even the bedtime stalling. Where we decide to make changes is only when things aren’t working for you anymore.
Parents can often be confused as to why their toddler is still waking up at night. Isn’t that a baby thing? No, not necessarily. Toddlers are definitely capable of sleeping through the night without waking, however some of them have a strong dependency on their parent to put them back to sleep.
From working with many many parents of toddlers who are 3+, here are the most common reasons why their children are waking up throughout the night:
They aren’t falling asleep independently.
The bedtime boundaries aren’t clear.
They don’t know the expectation.
Their sleep environment isn’t ideal.
They moved into a big bed too young.
Let’s break these down further.
They aren’t falling asleep independently. Whether they were rockstar crib-sleepers, or maybe your child has struggled with sleep their whole life, falling asleep independently is the bread and butter of sleeping well. If your child relies on your laying with them until they fall asleep, then they feel like every single time they wake up, they need someone in bed with them (you) to put them back to sleep. Changing the way your child falls asleep is essential to eliminating nighttime wake ups. If your child is used to you laying with them, try sitting on the floor next to their bed as they fall asleep instead. The slight separation is gradual, but as time goes on, they’ll get used to falling asleep with no one in their bed with them.
The bedtime boundaries aren’t clear. Sometimes we feel like our bedtime boundaries are clear, but then we realize that we’ve never actually had a conversation with our children about them. Figure out some bedtime boundaries that feel right for your family, and try not to deviate from them too much.
Set a clear bedtime, have a bedtime routine, come up with a plan for how you handle a wake up in the night, decide if you’re going to reward good behaviour or consequence undesirable behaviour. Setting those boundaries and then having a conversation about them with your partner and with your child will be so crucial.
They don’t know the expectation. Piggy-backing off of the unclear bedtime boundaries, if children don’t know what the expectation is, then they also won’t know how to succeed. Think about this - if you tell your teenager that they have to mow the lawn every Saturday as their chore, and then your teen starts mowing at 11pm Saturday night - you’d be a little choked. That’s too late, it’s ignorant for the neighbours, and you’ve been stewing all day about it not getting done. But if you had made your expectations clear: I need you to mow the lawn every Saturday before 2pm or else you’ll have privileges taken away - then there is less room for resentment and disappointment.
The same is true for your toddler. If you tell them to sleep in their bed all night long and not get up until morning, but they have no idea when morning starts, they might think that 4am is a fine morning start time. What do they know? I always recommend using a toddler wake clock to help them know when morning time begins. So if they do wake up in the night and see that their clock hasn’t changed colour, they’ll know that it isn’t time to start the day. My favourite one is linked here: Hatch Baby Rest.
Setting clear expectations is a great way to set your child up for success.
Their sleep environment isn’t ideal. Is your child’s room dark enough in the early morning hours? Is your child using a white noise machine to block out unnecessary environmental noises? Is their bed comfortable and the right size for them? Do they have a blanket that stays on all night long keeping them warm? Do they have water readily available that they can access on their own? Is their room a safe space or is there too much mess making it a distracting and tempting environment to play? Making sure that your child’s sleep environment is set up well will also help them fall asleep and stay asleep better.
They moved into a big bed too young. Big sleep prop associations happen when we transition a child out of their crib too soon. If you’re reading this and your child is under the age of 3 and already in a big bed, it’s not too late to transition them back into the crib. Children under the age of 3 have a hard time making clear decisions. Of course they do though - they’re only 2. They don’t quite understand a consequence, so telling them “don’t come out of your room until morning or else XYZ” doesn’t really work well. So then we get caught in a cycle of laying with them until they fall asleep, or maybe their room is scary now, or maybe they’ve made your bed their home.
Whatever your individual situation might be, it isn’t too late to teach your toddler how to sleep all night long again. Sometimes this means going back to basics, and other times this means getting some professional sleep help. If you fall into the latter camp and you need sleep support, please reach out - I’d love to chat about your toddler with you and see how sleep training can fit into your lifestyle.
