Learning Your Child’s Love Language - And How That Relates To Sleep
Understanding your own love language can feel like a life-long journey. As you evolve and your relationships change, you also get to know yourself on a deeper level and things that you once loved, may not be as accurate anymore. I know that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten to know myself better and have also gotten to know what truly makes me “me.” For myself, quality time and words of affirmation are high up on my list.
When we’re specifically talking about love languages, there are 5 main ones that I am referring to. They are:
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Gift Giving
These love languages were created by Dr. Gary Chapman through his long-time work as a Marriage Counsellor. As your children mature and develop characteristics to their personalities, you may notice your child gravitates to 1-2 specific love languages.
What I’ve noticed from reading through hundreds of onboarding questionnaires in my 6 years in business, is that children are all different. That doesn’t come as a surprise, but what is surprising, is how young children can show a gravitation towards 1 love language.
In January 2025, I worked with a family who had a 2 year old boy. They had been struggling with night wakings after moving him to a big bed, and then especially after going on vacation together. By the time we started working together, he was waking upwards of 20x a night. Though these wake-ups weren’t long-lasting, they were so frequent that the parents were getting absolutely no sleep. The only thing that would help this little boy go down, was if a parent laid in his bed with him. Laying down with your child as they fall asleep can be wonderful and bonding, however sometimes it can turn sour as a child has an invisible hold on you all night long. From talking with his parents and thoroughly reading through his questionnaire, we determined that physical touch was high on this little boy’s list of love languages. He loved getting a back scratch, or a back rub, or holding hands, or cuddling together, and lots of hugging.
While creating his sleep plan, I wanted to make sure that we honoured his love of physical touch, while still encouraging him to fall asleep independently. We incorporated 10 minutes of “play” into his bedtime routine that could serve as actual play-time, some cuddle time on a rocking chair, a back scratch on the couch, or something else where we were filling his physical-touch “cup.” When it came time to actually falling asleep, I encouraged his parents to continue to stay with him as he fell asleep, but instead of laying down with him, sit beside him.
Considering he was used to waking up 20x a night, I knew we would see some improvement on night 1, but I didn’t expect too much - however, he only woke up 1 time on his first night of sleep training!!!
Being in tune with your child is an important aspect of parenthood. Whether your child loves physical touch, or maybe they love words of affirmation, or especially quality time, it’s important to devote some time to them everyday to honour their love language. Not only will this help with bedtime, but it can also help minimize tantrums and help their overall well-being.
I have 3 children, and they all having VERY different love languages. My oldest, a boy, loves gift giving and quality time. My middle daughter acts of service and quality time. My youngest daughter, is a physical touch girl through and through. I’ve adapted how I parent each of them (and even how I do their bedtime routines!) to include special time to honour their love languages.
What are your children’s primary love languages?
